The Marriage Retreat

I recently faced a health scare that landed me in the hospital for nearly two weeks. I went from living my best life to the doctors telling me that either my liver was failing or I could have pancreatic cancer. I've never been so afraid in my life. Thank God neither of those things turned out to be true, but it was a wake-up call. I'd been pushing myself too hard, juggling too much, and neglecting the things that truly matter, and the combination of those things and some underlying health issues brought my world to a standstill. 

My life had taken an unexpected turn. I realized that regaining stability and peace would require reevaluating my priorities, simplifying my life, and letting go of the belief that I could manage everything alone. Honestly, I was already exhausted and overwhelmed before I got sick, so I was ready to make changes that would put me back in control of my life. Recognizing that nurturing my marriage would be pivotal in achieving this balance, I embraced the importance of prioritizing it.

So, as soon as my doctors gave me the green light, I made a reservation at The Woodlands Resort, and hubby and I headed off for some much-needed quality time together. Thus began what we affectionately named the 1st Annual Lewis Marriage Retreat—a getaway just for the two of us, filled with introspection, communication, and love. We spent the entire weekend pouring into each other, being intentional about understanding what works in our marriage (so we can do more of those things), and uncovering opportunities to grow and better serve each other.

The impact of this retreat was profound, and the experience was so transformative that I felt compelled to share our journey with others.

Read on to discover how we orchestrated our marriage retreat and the valuable lessons we learned. We departed with a roadmap for the next year of our marriage, heartfelt prayers inscribed in our journals, and a renewed intimacy that stemmed from shedding emotional baggage.

NOTE: Feel free to adapt our approach to suit your relationship—take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

So, what do you need to embark on your own marriage retreat? Surprisingly little:

• A serene setting free from distractions for at least 48 hours. We opted for a nearby resort, which provided us with a fresh canvas to paint the story of what we wanted our marriage to be. The change of scenery alleviated the burden of daily chores and responsibilities and allowed us to focus solely on each other. And if tensions arose, we could leave them behind.

• Essential supplies: a Bible, journal, timer, and pencil. The Bible served as a guiding light during moments of reflection and prayer. Our journals became repositories for our thoughts and feelings, and the timer ensured we stayed on track. I hadn't used a pencil in years, but I promise you will need it when articulating feelings you may not normally verbalize to your partner!

• A committed partner invested in a positive outcome. This goes without saying, but both parties must be equally dedicated to the retreat's success. If your partner resists the idea, wait until they are more receptive. You can't get water from a rock, and if they aren't willing, you'll create tension rather than relieve it, which is the entire objective of the retreat.

With the logistics in place, how should you approach the retreat mentally and emotionally for optimal results?

• Be transparent and vulnerable. This is your chance to lay it all bare and, as my internet pastor Michael Todd says, to be H.O.T (humble, open, and transparent). Not everything I shared was easy to discuss, even with my husband. Not all the feedback he shared was easy to hear, either. There were a few tears, and I got frustrated several times. It's not always easy, but the rewards are immense—real solutions to real problems emerge from this authenticity.

• Listen to understand, not to respond. This can be a real challenge because I tend to believe I have an answer for everything. My husband can confirm this! However, the problem is that when I focus too much on coming up with a response, my husband feels attacked instead of heard. This results in him withdrawing from the conversation, which prevents us from truly understanding each other's needs. It's crucial to remember that your partner's perspective is invaluable, even when it differs from yours.

• Practice kindness and avoid taking offense. Don't be an asshole and try and justify your behavior by saying, "I was just being honest." Knock it off. You can be honest and kind— those things aren't mutually exclusive. Sure, feelings can still get hurt, even with kindness. For example, my husband's response to me needing more intimacy was he'd kiss me more if I stopped using my mouth to open things. LOL! It wasn't easy to hear, but it was honest and said with kindness.  

• Commit to the assignments. The tasks at hand demand emotional investment and introspection. Staying present and engaged is essential, even when the process feels uncomfortable. It's okay to take breaks to eat, have sex, or take a walk to cool off. Just come back and complete the assignment.

Now, onto the assignment—a pivotal aspect of the retreat:

The Assignment

We found it effective to commence each day with prayer, setting the tone for our journey ahead. Due to our schedule, we allocated Day 1 for decompression, Day 2 for prompts 1-3, and the morning of Day 3 for prompts 4-5. Take breaks as needed, and bring a bottle of wine to celebrate!

• What worked well in our marriage over the last year? Start on a positive note by acknowledging your successes. Set a timer for 20 minutes and jot down anything that comes to mind. Share and discuss your lists, identifying commonalities and areas for continued focus.

• What did not work well in our marriage over the last year? This prompt may provoke a deeper, more lengthy discussion. Spend 10 minutes identifying challenges without succumbing to pettiness or finger-pointing. Engage in open dialogue, striving for mutual understanding and resolution. While this prompt was the most challenging to complete, it was also the most rewarding. We were both able to listen and understand better than usual and as a result, we made some breakthroughs in areas where we'd previously had stalemates. 

• What do you want to accomplish together as a couple over the next twelve months? Craft a plan for the year ahead with insights from the previous prompts. Set big and small goals that reflect your shared aspirations and values.

• Write a prayer for your spouse. Writing a prayer for your partner is an incredibly intimate moment. Let your words reflect your love, appreciation, and hopes for their well-being. Hearing my husband recite the prayer he wrote for me was the highlight of the retreat.

• Write a prayer for your marriage. Extend your reflections to encompass your union as a whole. Envision the journey ahead and commit your shared dreams and aspirations to prayer.

Remember that your marriage is a journey that requires nurturing, communication, and mutual respect. Embrace the retreat as an opportunity for growth and renewal, and may it serve as a catalyst for a thriving relationship.