Every horror flick has this one scene.
One of the protagonists are running in a secluded area. Rain forest. Asylum. 5000 square foot impeccably decorated yet empty mansion. Take your pick. You know the scene. The one where you know she/he are going to die and you’re simply waiting on how because the if is a foregone conclusion.
If help or an escape path are on the right they inevitably run to the left. Looking back periodically, every time slowing themselves down to track the proximity of the antagonist. And like clockwork, every time they look back the antagonist appears closer and closer until BAM! They stumble, trip, fall, careen into just arm lengths of the killer/ax murder/psycho.
I know this is a morbid analogy, but it feels fitting all things considered.
A year ago, I built this website from scratch. I’m not a developer or a web designer but there was something inside of me that felt so driven and impassioned that I worked tirelessly to create it. I went as far as starting a support group to keep me on track with my goals. I had successfully blogged before, as therapy more than anything else, but this blog was different. My last blog was for me to heal. Purposely Fearless was for everyone else.
So, I launched it. And by launched, I mean I bought a domain, designed some pretty pages, created a few social media accounts and told a few friends about it. And then I went dark.
At first, I tried to tell myself that I was waiting on GOD to tell me what to write. I mean, it's God who told me to create the website, so I’d leave it up to Him to tell me what to say. (Still waiting G, so jump in anytime here). Then life happened. I was dumped or did the dumping, but I was heartbroken and thought surely no one wants to hear about me going through ANOTHER break up. Both reasons were bullshit. Not that they aren’t valid (ish) but they aren’t the real reason I haven’t written shit in over 300+ days.
A few years ago, I started an online boutique. I spent months planning, applying for permits, sourcing wholesalers, doing photo shoots, designing an eCommerce store…hell I even hired a part time assistant and got a personal loan from a friend. I was proud, scared, excited but I was so focused that I knew it was going to be a hit. Sales were great, I was profitable and selling out of merchandise quicker than I could stock it.
Then my son got sick. Like, sick sick. And everything stopped. I was working full time, managing the store full time and dealing with my son full time and something had to give. So I just walked away. In retrospect, I could have chosen another route, but I chose to quit. And I’ve regretted it every day since.
Dressing people was fun. Styling models was fun. I love clothes (my closet tho..) so the boutique felt like playing dress up. But I wasn’t passionate about it, not in the way I needed to be. It was something that I was good at. But just another something I was good at. Like fitness or make-up or hair. I’m creative so anything that gives me the opportunity to create something beautiful I excel at. And I excelled at it. But I wasn’t passionate about it. And I eventually caved under life's pressure and gave up.
Now every time I look at my computer, or the journal I bought in 2017 where I was supposed to write my thoughts and ideas it’s like looking back at the serial psycho murderer chasing me and falling at his feet and saying I wasn’t going to get away anyway so here I am. Constantly look at my past failure is making me fall and I haven't even start running.
So, here I am.
300+ days after I launched Purposely Fearless and I’m so paralyzed by the last time I tried and failed that I haven’t even tried to fail. (Tongue twister much). This fact alone astonishes me as I’ve failed at so many things, I thought I was numb to failure. Guess I was wrong.
Listen, I know I have a higher purpose. A calling. I’m supposed to write, and I’m supposed to help people. I just honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. I don’t know if I want to make tutorials showing how I apply make-up with the plastic spork from KFC or vlog about my new life in Houston and how some days I’m kicking ass while others I’m struggling to adjust. But what I do know, is if I do nothing, I will never figure it out.
So, I hope you stick with me and cheer me on while I aim to dazzle you and offer me comfort if I fail spectacularly while doing so. Either way, something needs to happen so why not today?
Signed,
Me.
PS. Happy New Year!
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