In December of 2012, I was at the lowest point of my life. I was looking for anything to cling to and indicate things would one day improve. I was over being the person I was and tired of feeling unloved, being broke, and not seeing my self-worth. I was fucking tired of being tired. My life was like the Titanic and I was both Captain and Crew. And just like the Titanic, I was taking everyone down with me.
When you are tired of something yet continue performing actions that produce the same result, you may be tired, but you ain't tired enough. However, when you are "over this shit" tired you will out right refuse to move forward if moving forward means doing something you know will produce an undesirable result. I was finally "over this shit" tired and I think God knew it. The moment I cried out to God in submission, not frustration but submission, I felt a shift. I entered into what I now know as The Cycle of Completing Cycles for 5 1/2 short, but long ass years.
Cy·cle noun \ ˈsī-kəl \ an interval of time during which a sequence of a recurring succession of events or phenomena is completed.
During this phase God was absolutely unrelenting and I realized how petty and funny He can be. The saying, “Don't ask for patience if you don't want to wait” is mad real. I asked God to heal me and make me whole. He in turn exposed to me all of my wounds. Every area that I was looking for God to "magically improve" now that I was ready to submit He instead revealed to me all the ways I needed to improve first. *throws hands up* Totally not what I expected, but since everything else I tried on my own failed I was more than willing to try another way. I have no idea how, but my life was falling apart and being rebuilt at the same damn time (cues Future lyrics).
Full disclosure. The cycle of completing cycles was not without struggles, fumbles and failures. I was not always ready to let go of things, people, habits and even past hurts. However, my son's suicide attempt during this phase snapped my ass into reality. Realizing that my son was manifesting my toxicity the same way that I had manifested my mothers was enough for me to say enough. I couldn't continue to blame my dead mother for my life and not doing anything to really address my past while asking my son NOT to blame me for his life and taking no accountability for the part I played in his brokenness. (Author's Note: Read this paragraph twice.)
Through therapy and more self-reflection than I can even express I came to terms with my childhood trauma. I forgave my mother and father for not being to me who I needed, I forgave myself for not being to my son what he needed, and I forgave myself for not believing I was enough. Weird analogy but it was then that I finally understood the Wizard of Oz.
Dorothy was in search of the wizard whom she thought had the power to get her home. It’s not until she actually meets the wizard and realizes he has no power that she realizes she had the power all along. I’m so Dorothy. LOL! I walked through life looking for people to love me, validate me, and complete me. I thought if I was pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, sexy enough, sexual enough, kind enough, giving enough -- if I was just enough of something someone would love me and not leave me. I could finally have the life I desired.
Ironically enough, it wasn’t until I lost the things I thought were important that I discovered I had the power to create the life I desired all along. It wasn’t until I learned to be enough for myself that I was able to free myself from being enough for everyone else. The moment I fully realized I was enough, it was like the Universe shifted and the wounds began to heal. Cycles began to complete.
Recently I was invited to return to my former high school to speak to a group of teenagers about their future. The irony that I dropped out of high school my senior year and got pregnant a few years thereafter is not lost on me. Based on statistics and societal norms, I wasn't supposed to be shit. Not the college drop out with the absent father and dead mother and no education. I wasn't supposed to have this amazingly full and healthy life. I wasn't supposed to have a black son who never sold drugs, has never been arrested but instead went away to college. I wasn't supposed to be driving luxury cars, living in luxury condos and making six figures. I don't say this to brag, I say this to remind others to enthusiastically give the finger to what society says and embrace wholeheartedly what God says. He be knowing. LOL!
Going back to where my manifested childhood trauma began to bear fruit and produce its own toxic tree of trauma as a healed, whole adult reminded me of all the cycles that have recently completed in my life. While it wasn’t an enjoyable experience it was a necessary path to my personal evolution. I wouldn’t be half the woman I was today if God hadn’t dragged me down memory lane and forced me to heal so I could truly embrace my “BEST LIFE”. I know a few people in various phases of "The Cycle of Completing Cycles". Most of them look like this meme. You can flip that desk over if you want, but you gonna have to pick all those papers up and organize them all over again. Let me save you the headache. Do the work.
Love and Light.